So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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