Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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