i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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