the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
