Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Randomize
