What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
