Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
