I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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