I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
