I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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