Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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