now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
