I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm at about main and main street
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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