what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
