The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
