Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
