it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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