i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
