Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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