Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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