There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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