do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
