I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
We don't watch enough power rangers
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize