all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
