you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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