Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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