I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Randomize
