dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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