her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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