Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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