last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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