I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
