Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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