I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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