I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize