The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
