last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
