If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
