Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
