i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
