Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
