you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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