I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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