I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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