I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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