It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
