She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
