god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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