you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
