and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
