i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
