a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
