My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
