peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Randomize
