oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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