Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
