so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
