I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
