You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
my shit smells like andre
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize