Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The best revenge is premature balding
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
