He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
