who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
