when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize