Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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