I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
